Garth Bigelow - Thoughts

The taxi was due to arrive at 8am. We forgot to set the alarm last night and I awoke at 7:36. Skipping the shower, I brushed my teeth and dressed in yesterday's clothes. After the trip to Jomtien, the thinking was, I would go back to sleep then rise and shower.

I gathered up the paperwork and made sure I had everything I needed. I was determined to only have to go through the line once. Tomorrow is a holiday, although no one seems to know which one, so the Immigration Office is packed with people waiting to get in when the doors open in five minutes. I am number 5 for the service I need which is visa renewal - a pointless exercise that serves no purpose other than to extract 1900 additional baht. I would gladly pay the combined rates when getting the 90 day visa and have it be a real 90 day visa rather than this silly 60 day plus 30 visa jump through hoopla.

All goes smoothly this time and they can not think of anything to ask for that I can not provide so do not get the pleasure of making me go through the line again. I assume pleasure I have never seen either of the two regular immigration officials should any emotion of any kind on any of my visits beyond an air of mild annoyance.

I had read that the visa fees were being waved April thru June. I guess that only applies to new visitors, because they took my 1900 baht like usual. And I had my new visa stamp - May 3rd, my birthday.

Those that look to me for strength, I warn you I am depressed today.

I don't usually post when I am like this, but I thought it would be good to get it out of my head and writing sometimes helps do that, and I suppose it rounds things out on an honesty level by not sugar coating things.

I am feeling all levels of sorry for myself today.

I hate when I am like this, it seems such a waste of the precious little time I have left.
But my final days are not unfolding at all as I had planned and the universe continues hurl irony in my direction. But mostly I tired of being trapped in this shell that is so limiting so much of the time that I can't even manage to go out to a simple dinner with Mai's family.

And it is April already. April was what I was holding on for - when Mai and I could just lounge around and be together; complete. But circumstances beyond our control push that to the 19th, and a month of bliss becomes two weeks. More than some people get, that is a certainty, but I am fixed today on how fucked up my life is, not others.

I am simultaneously aware that had I not met Mai I would have already killed myself, but on the other hand that love, that reason to be, is also the carrot by which the universe keeps me around so it can kick me a little longer. Another minute of pain, of frustration, of humiliation. I don't feel too human any more.

As to my final bash, it is not going to happen either. Not enough funding came in. This does not sadden me greatly, I don't believe in an afterlife so really why am I accumulating memories? Why live out fantasies that would most likely be far less satisfying than the idea itself?

At one point, I said that I liked the synchronicity of departing on the date I came into the world. The financial numbers make that a reasonable day, and when I saw that that is the day my Visa expires next - well I take it as I sign I can finally stop fighting entropy.

I warned you I was depressed.

As if things aren't bad enough with me still mopping around, though starting to pull myself out, Mai comes home looking like the weigh of the world has finally come crashing down on her.

She and Berm have been to see a monk. The had general good things to save to everyone there except to Mai he says:

Even if I were to believe in monk prophecy abilities, and that this was truth, what possible purpose could be served by telling someone something like that last line?

Ever looked a pictures of presidents when they are elected and when their term is up? This kind of aging has taken place to Mai since she left the room this morning. I want to beat the crap out of this monk. Worse it is late and my mind just does not function well at night. I think of nothing constructive to ease her mind. My lack of belief will not do nothing because she believes. All I can do is hold her tight and keep handing her tissues until she tires herself out and falls asleep.

Mai looks nor feels any better in the morning.

In the shower it occurs to me that the answer could be as simple as sending her to another monk. A good old fashioned temple monk - the kind motivated to dispense good foretellings if you look at it from a skeptics perspective.

It rains most of the day preventing her from going - you can only see monks up to the early afternoon. I ended up having breakfast by myself at Patini's, which I had not been to in some time and got back just before the rain really kicked in.

Frame, Mai's son, my stepson (I'll just keep repeating that - it will sink in,) arrived a couple of days ago and had been staying at the shop as they was someone was there to look after him at night. But that person has gone back to village and there is a gap of a couple of days where he will be staying here. Tonight being the first night.

Frame is very well behaved, and on the quiet side. We have been out to a few breakfasts. Mai has to act as interpreter and so communication is minimal. He is ten and in a shy phase. Still we seem to get alone well. I had previously sent the Buffy DVDs to the village and he had loved them, so now he is watching Angel (Buffy spin off for those that don't know) and I think that alone has won him over.

Mai comes back for a couple hours around dinner time. Neither of us are hungry. As if the monk's prophesy has become self fulfilling, the shop has no customers for the first time today.

I tickle, tease, hugs, cajole and even use logic and laughter and eventually get at first fleeting forced smiles and a eventually genuine good mood breaks though over her.

Later that night be construct a nest of towels and the comforter to make the floor a little nicer for Frame who finds the couch too soft, and himself too old to sleep with his mother.

I can remember it being so difficult for me to sleep with people around. I seem to be sleeping a lot more lately but they may be an illusion from going to bed so much later.

As discussed last night Mai will take Frame to the shop early in the morning and then go to temple to see another monk. This is going to happen around 8am. I vaguely remember hearing them slightly but I did not rise to full consciousness.

I had a weird dream that had just about everything in it and the kitchen sink: Family, friends, a train, a house, a flea market, Paris Hilton (not sure if she was there or I was just pretending to be her brother,) a soldier training unit that I guess I was part of, AIDS testing, etc. I woke up knowing there had been a cool transition from dream to awake but couldn't remember it. Under those circumstances I never ever remember, but I caught a piece of it in the shower and kept pulling at the thread, and it just slowly gave me more and more.

Regardless (I know dreams are only interesting to the dreamer) I got ready for the day. Mai and Frame would be back in the area of noon and we were going to have a hooky day, all three of us.

The movies have been very nicely spacing themselves out having something to see each week, but this week there is nothing - two movies next week though. We try a new restaurant (oh, we are at the Central Mall. Our hooky day venue of choice until and if we burn it out.) and eat a lot of Sashimi. Frame is not as adventurous as his mother when it comes to food.

I wanted to have dinner at Tequila Reef, which while not in the mall is only two Sois away. So we would need to kill some time. We decided we watch Watchmen again, figuring Frame would like it, Mai didn't understand the bulk of it the first time around, and I had already forgotten the ending. I enjoyed as much if not more the second time around. Really liked the soundtrack - I almost never notice that in films.

Before that Mai and I played a few rounds of Air Hockey. Frame was too shy to play something he had not tried before. Letting this go for a bit after a few games I dispensed, via Mai, advise I was not myself very good at following most my life: "If you afraid to let yourself look like a fool, you will miss out on a lot of great things in life."

Much to my surprise, he played, and within only 4 games I was no longer having to hold back at all. This was before the film, and I was logy off the sugar high from a Strawberry and Aloe ice shake, that seemed so much bigger than it remember it being before. By the way, having seen it on the menu at breakfast/lunch I just had to try it: an Avocado and Honey Smoothee. Thank you Mom, for teaching me to try anything. It was great.

Anyway, I figured after the film Frame was eager to play more Air Hockey and I would have to hold back a little again. Just the opposite, he whopped my ass the first game, and I had to pull every trick out of my arsenal to not let that happen again. But he is very quick, he figures out what I am going very rapidly and adds these tactics to his own repertoire handily. One more trip to the mall, and he shall happy trounce me I think.

Oh, I'm all out of sequence today, but I'll leave it in the order it comes to me. The most important news: Mai went to temple and got a good news monk. Even made the point if the other monk was a proper monk why wasn't he in a temple? With this trumping bit of religious logic, Mai happily accepted the new monk's prophesies and he is going to come to the shop and do some kind of blessing on me. It can't hurt and it will make Mai happy.

Back to the mall. Mai announces that she is hungry and off to the Reef we go. Tequila Reef is on Soi 7 which is heavy with Beer Bars, Go-Gos and everything in between. Frame is just a year or two too young to be distracted by it. I'm feeling just a little bit too frail.

At the Reef, I order for everyone. Nachos Grande sans beef, which Mai likes. A large bowl of beanless chili (which I had never noticed on the menu and had despaired of finding in Pattaya.) We would start there (portion size has varied greatly visit to visit at the Reef) and add more if needed later.

I forgot the chili would have beef in it, which makes Mai ill, and when they said large they meant it. It came in a hug pot with three smaller serving bowls for each of us: onions and cheese on the side. Conversely the Nachos were about half their normal ridiculous size, and Mai didn't like something about it today. So, I worked on the chili (which tasted exactly like Hormel and in this case that is a good thing) while Frame picked at the nachos but mostly worked on his drink. Mai ordered Pad Thai and they shared it.

Unable to finish the chili, the nachos went largely untouched. And it still took us a good half hour of lounging around the table before we were able to move enough to leave.

I went off the budget this week. Figured it was better to live well for a short time then stretch things out miserly. And while I didn't go over it until the last day of the week (today) I spent freely and only went over by 2000 baht give or take. While that is a third of a week's budget, and I do have a few expensive plans in mind, it is good to know there are pleasant happenings within my finances and abilities. Now if only Songkran weren't happening right in the middle of the time left.

Damnit. Okay forgot the point either. Having given Mai successfully good advice, improved my own mood of self pity. My 12 rules to live by kicked in: Play the hand you are dealt. Soon it will be time to fold, until then I hope for more days like these.

Between my eyesight, my finger numbness and that my fingers respond to commands at different reflex rates, not to mention that my mind wanders, it has become very hard to type. But as I am trapped inside more, I have the time to type slowly and with attention to detail. I will make the effort.

Lee's last visit got short shrift in this blog because when I am out being happy I don't have time to blog, and if I do too much than afterward I am too sick recovering to write.

This visit was like that too. I am very grateful to Lee, for he has become the patron saint of the massage shop and will keep an eye on Mai after I am gone. He is also helping with the details, like signs and brochures and website that I can no longer concentrate on, and Mai does not have much of a head for. He will also be taking care of this website. An amazingly load for someone who really didn't know me that well. It is funny that it is never the people you expect that step up to the plate when needed. Yet the universe provides.

Beyond all that considerable lot, he gave me a precious taste of being normal again. He took Mai, Frame and me out to Sushi, and several meals. Then Saturday I got to show him to the town. I shot for the more picturesque and unique parts of town. A strange type, two faithful men gawking through the seedier parts of town.

We spend hours taking in a outdoor bar that was remarkably comfortable, and we must have had an air about us for none of the girls bothered us. And suddenly it was 2am and the town just closed. I never got to show him Walking street or even Soi 6.

He is coming back again, but I don't think I will still be around. I hope he still continues to visit, Mai can use the console, and the moral support.

Having spent too much of myself, I spent the last day of Lee's trip in bed. I had wanted to get a portrait of Mai, me and Frame done. I had wanted to show Lee more of Pattaya. But you can only do what you can do.

While he was here he sat over me until I finished the designs for the Stand Sign and the Banner for the Shop. He and Mai then took them to the sign man. I just can't handle dealing with Thai businessmen. It is a lesson is pure frustration and my impulse control, which was never great, is not what it used to be.

The sign man promised to have them by Songkran, which would be useful as it would advertise to the LK Pavilion that they didn't have to venture out into chaos to get a massage. As the hotel would be fullish for Songkran this would be a great for business.

The signs arrived right after Songkran ended. The Thai writing wrong and the base (which Lee said he stressed to be very heavy) barely existed, not enough to stop mild winds from tipping it over. These mistakes, regardless of it being their error, could be fixed for a fee.

I'm trapped in the room for a week. Too loud, too wet. I hate Songkran, and I resent it because it is stealing a week of my precious time. Everything seems to be stealing time from me. The shop is not doing well enough for Lumyai to feel comfortable quitting her job, thus she is going back home with Frame at the end of SongKran. This means Mai will have work some of the time and my dream of just curling up with her evaporates. Worse this depresses me and squander some of my time feeling sorry for myself.

A total of 373 people were killed and more than 4,000 injured in road accidents nationwide during the seven-day Songkran festival, which ended on Thursday.
Interior permanent secretary Wichai Srikwan said 3,977 road accidents across the country were recorded between April 10-16 - the seven-day period considered dangerous for road users during the Songkran holidays. That was 266 fewer accidents than last year.

Mr Wichai said fatalities have risen to 373, five more than last year, while 4,332 people were injured, 471 less than the previous year.
During the seven-day period, Chiang Rai recorded the highest number of accidents (145) as well as the highest number of injuries (164) while Chiang Mai recorded the most deaths (14).
In seven provinces, no fatalities from road accidents were recorded - Trat, Chachoengsao, Yasothon, Amnat Charoen, Sakon Nakhon, Nan, and Yala.
On Thursday alone, the last day of the period, 343 road accidents were recorded, and 52 deaths. Suphan Buri had the highest number of accidents (13). The main causes of accidents were driving under the influence and speeding, and most accidents involved motorcycles.

I'm a move worthy of American Political Media Source, they managed to lower their statistics by having Bangkok and Pattaya (the fatality champs) celebrate the big days of Songkran on the 18-19 while the rest of the country have it the weekend before. Thus it's 294 fatalities were exempt from the statistics of the seven day period. Even still it ended up being a statistical failure for the anti drinking and driving crowd.

The Songkran Hijinx are supposed to stop at sundown. About 90% of it does. Turns out 10% of totally soaked is still totally soaked, but at least all their damn ice has melted. I'm definitely not in the holiday spirit. But they have fixed the cable, I have some new DVDs from Mary K, and I'm off to wash this unclean water off me. Bah humbug.

My mother mailed me her Wedding Ring for Mai. She put it in an old style eyeglass purse and hide a $50 bill deep in the bottom. She sent it UPS with Tracking and I had great fun watching it bounce back and forth between Jersey and Philly for three days before finally breaking free and crossing to Germany (marked as DE which I first through was Delaware - which made it's journey funnier.) It then went from Bangkok, to Pattaya and back to Bangkok, where it sat for Songkran.

Lucky it had the tracking number as it became flagged as needing address - even the Thai can not make sense of their insane addressing system. I had Mai call the Post Box Company, who called UPS, and who explained exactly how to get there. And the next day we got a call that it was.

Let me see if I can find my mother's exact words: Nope, I can't but it wasn't something about she hoped that something that use to fit on her tiny little fingers would fit on Mai's. I laughed when she tried it on, as she could almost get two fingers into the ring. I will try to remember to take a picture. Anyway, it touched her very much and now resides on a necklace around her neck (where else would you wear a necklace?)

Oh, and somewhere along the way, the only thing not on the contents list - the fifty dollar bill, disappeared. Stateside or in Thailand? I think it is pretty much a toss up.

This is a weird one. Back when Christopher Darque and Caliban Darklock both failed to even return my emails I got a snit over the rights to Ultimate Universe. While there is mild renewed interest in the game, the rights aren't worth much. Both had done much to foster the popularity of the game, but both had also rubbed me the wrong way on several occasions, mostly by trying to make themselves seem like a much bigger part of the Ultimate Universe team then I perceive them to be. And then this betrayal at the end. Maybe it was petty, seemed like I had good reasons at the time but I started thinking about who best to have the rights.

So who should get the rights? Andrue was a logical choice, but he would never have the time to do anything with it. He isn't in that world any more. Likewise my Nephew. If I thought it had real value I would leave them to Lorne. But it seemed better that someone that would get pleasure from owning the rights, and maybe just maybe would do something with them, would be ideal.

And after sifting through the emails, post, chats and other logs (there are way too many ways to reach me) one name was clearly the winner: Troy Jones. But I didn't have a valid email for him. So I figured I would post the fact on the site in a few places and up on StumbleUpon and eventually he would stumble into this information.

All this was two months ago or more and I still haven't gotten around to finishing the Darklock/Darque part of the story let alone this. And out of the blue come a half-brick donation from - you guessed it - Troy Jones. Complete with email address no less.

It is my sister's birthday today. I have tried very hard to keep this fact in focus this last week. It helps that it is part of sequence: 22-her birthday, 28-Mai's birthday, 3-my birthday.

Call, I try to remember - like a chant: call, call, call, call. Finally it is time - night here, morning there - I call. I get the machine. The machine and I have a pleasant chat, my sister does not join in. She could be sleeping in, she could be up and out, she could be in the tub. I confide in the machine that I will call that evening. This is the only gift I have to give - it has importance to me in that it will have important to her.

Remarkably, I remember to call that morning - the night of her birthday. Again I talk the machine. She screens calls so I expect her to join in, the machine is not a good conversationalist and ask it to tell her to email me when she gets this.

This is first of two presents to go wrong. (BTW - I finally hear from her on the 27th. She has been on the Island with Brad trying to salvage Mom's house. A task I would not envy them if I were healthy. And we do eventually get to talk, and she is happy about that.)

For weeks, maybe months, I have been coming to the realizations that the fantasies about what I want to do the last few weeks are unrealistic, for the most part impractical and almost certainly to be less satisfying as reality than fantasy.

I've come to the know that I would spend that time with Mai. I hold this idea in my mind, a warm precious jewel that ache to give her, now that I sure. I have wanted to tell her for a few days but I figured her birthday would be perfect for that. But it slips out while we are talking in bed in the morning.

And this gift too goes bad. She reacts like her pardon has been revoked. I don't think I knew until that second how hard this has all been on her. I have become to her the burden that I did not wish to become to my family. Here I pictured that I was giving her a better existence, but she is just waiting for me to get out of the way. Not that she doesn't love me. I think she loves me too much. It's me and Crystal, in reverse and with warning, all over again.

These thoughts start that cyclic thinking that I can not break out of and I spend the day pouring my energies into a computer game I am no longer able to win and unable to look Mai in the eyes or barely acknowledge her.

New pains started about a month ago. Just about where I figured my kidneys were, but exactly on the side not to the back. When my urine grew steadily darker each day, I figured my kidneys were failing. Each day the pain grew a little worse. But you don't fix the air conditioner when you are getting ready to throw away the car.

Then Friday night it started to hurt when I urinated (isn't this fascinating?) and I started thinking STD. I have never had one, but burning when you pee is burning in my mind as symptom of the clap.

Now as I have been faithful since my wedding (sorry Lee, my experience was as unfulfilled as yours, but I needed to be perceived human. Hence the lie.) this would make the culprit pretty obvious. Seemed unlikely, but she is a terribly jealous person, and one thing I've learned in life is that people are very likely to be what they perceive others to be. Liars assume everyone is lying to them, thieves think everyone is trying to steal from them, etc.

Regardless, it shifted into the category of something that should be checked out. Culprit or not, Mai should know if she has an STD.

There is a bunch of things I need to do today. All simple errands but more than three, so I make a list, of which I forget to put Post Office on there, so I never did find out Mary K sent out Bad Santa or not.

Anyway, I do the errands in order of importance, not in order of location. I should mention that it is 42C, which in Fahrenheit is - damn fucking hot. And I lost my hat last time I went out. And I wasn't smart enough to bring an umbrella. Got the picture? I'm sort of steaming mobile swamp after the first stop, which is the bank. What does a kidney biopsy cost? No idea, thus the bank trip.

Turns out I need not have worried (on any count,) they listen to my story, feel my sides, look at my penis and take a swab from the throat and a urine sample. I;m told to come back in an hour.

It is eleven thirty, I have had my two morning cups of coffee and my shot but no food.

The Central Mall is two blocks away, and soon so am I. MOS Burger (the Japanese McDonalds - yeah, I didn't know either) has finally opened after taunting me since the mall opened. It was open last time we were here, but I was pretty full when we discovered that, and Mai can't eat beef so all I tried were the prawns - which were amazing for warm water seafood.

This time I was starving and alone. I dislike eating out alone, but here and Burger King it is preferable to having your company not eating anything. I ordered the MOS burger, two orders of prawns and a Coke Zero.

Prawns exactly as good as last time. The MOS burger looks nothing like the proud picture on the posters and menues (they should say 'artists conception' or something) but I'm use to that from - well from living on this bait and switch planet.

Anyway, it was a good deal smaller than I expected and more like a sloppy joe on a burger than just a burger. I don't think I order one again, but it was pretty damn good.

Back at the hospital with time to spare the tests are already done. Not kidneys, not STD (sorry for doubting you love), but a bladder infection in a person with no immune system. My urine is pure acid.

I'm sold three sets of pills, told when to take them (don't worry I had them write it down afterward) and told to drink 3 liters of water a day. In five days I should be good as I was before.

My last errand/stop was to stop at the gold shop. It would ease my mind if she had a little bit of cushion financially. When I first met her she had a two baht (a weight of gold, same spelling as the currency) bracelet, but she sold that as part of starting the shop. It might have been possible to afford a 2 baht bracelet, but it would have left me with no absorber against uncertainties and Lord knows the universe keeps throwing those at me.

But one baht was easily within my reach. I figured the look of the bracelet was of little importance as it could just as easily been a gold bar if they sold those in less than 10 baht weights. On the other hand it was a gift, probably my final gift, so I spent some time picking out a pretty one (knowing full well we have very opposite tastes) with a heart charm on the end. Got an authenticity paper and a store card, just in case there was any hanky-panky and handed over about sixth of the money I have left.

I wanted to write a card to go with it, something along the lines of: I love you, I have always loved you, I will always love you. And I wanted to do it in Thai. And as I started about this task, I remembered that they don't have tenses in Thai. The tense is figured out from the context. I have no idea how a sentence like that would be constructed in Thai. English will have to do. I wonder how her mind translate a construct her language can not contain?

Mai had to wake up early to go to temple. I'm not sure if this is a birthday ritual or just timing. I do know that originally a group of monks were going to bless the shop and pray for me today but that that had fallen apart.

So Mai had to be up at 7:30. I awoke and it seemed by the light that it was much later than that. Mai was still at my side so I woke her up. It turned out to by slightly before seven. Luckily, she goes back to sleep easily. Not so me.

When eventually she awoke around I asked her if she would like her present now, at her party or both. She wanted to know what it was, and I responded did she understand the concept of a surprise? 'Now' it was.

Mai has a love of purses, so I handed her a tiny box with a tiny 'Hello Kitty' purse in it, pretending that was the gift. The gag gift is not practiced in her culture so she fell for it completely yet strangely seemed very happy with the purse. When she finally opened and found the gold bracelet inside I could see in her eyes that I finally have a decent grasp of parts of this culture. Gold is not just safety but status/station. It helps her self esteem to own it. And in fact after the thank yous, 'I must go make Om jealous' was her first thought.

By afternoon I was not feeling my best. If it wasn't Mai's birthday, I would have stayed in bed but around 8pm we staggered to the shop. Even after sundown it was still hot and loud. I took refuge inside while everything was setup out front.

I spent the next few hours watching the party from the couch. Mai would come in occasionally and sit with me for a bit and Daeng's Norwegian boyfriend came in once to say hi, but I couldn't understand much of what he said.

It wasn't that bad, over the last few years I have become quite accustomed and almost comfortable with being strictly an observer in my own life. And it was very nice watching Mai having such a good time and being the center of attention.

Around 10:30 I had reached the end of my strength and said my goodbyes and staggered by the condo.