October 15th, 2008

I have been very lucky with experimental medicines. But most of that luck had been back in the United States. As much as I have railed against the safeguards that forced me off the protocol drugs - and actually others were more outraged than I was. I was told what would happen going in - those rules and laws make much safer for people like me to try to take medicine into our hands.

In this part of the world where small amounts of money to the right people can buy your way around laws or where some basic safeguards do not exist, it is much easier to take actions not in your own best interest.

Also it should be pointed out, US or here, I have been on EXPERIMENTAL medicines. On the protocol they happen to be on what appears to me the right track. But it could just as easily have made things worse or done nothing. I got lucky.

And I've had four reprieves on this ride. Admittedly shorter periods each time, but four times I have been able to extend the date in which I thought I would be dead.  I had come to expect that I would find what I needed just when I needed it.

As you can tell from the above what I am leading up to is that the nano-lithium is not working out as I had hoped.

It does to some degree work. They nearly killed me with the first application. The adhesive on the patch had been too weak to stand up to my sweat and I fixed that by affixing a bandage over it to hold it in place. That of course kept the magnet trapped in contact with my skin and I got a continuous dose of NL to the point that it not only worked on the neural shorting but also got into the synaptic junctions themselves.

By the time I went in for my CAT scan they were surprised I was still conscious and whisked me away for an a few seconds in an MRI to extract the overdose from my brain.

Now equipped with a stronger magnet we try the NL patches again. I find it very hard to handle one of the side effects: the feeling being invisible or not involved in the world around me.

Realizing that the doctors here are only working as hands for my South Korean doctor, I have been contacting him and he suggested Gingko Biloba to increase blood flow in the brain which is believed to be the major way NL leaves the brain. And to remove the patch when the world seems too distant and put it back on when it gets too close.

Other than the Gingko that had been my plan. It turns out it takes about three days to return to point of near perfection which lasts most of a day before getting too loud. Next time I will stop taking Gingko on the second day to see if I can prolong the 'perfect' period.

The ghosting feeling leads to severe depression especially with Mai not being here. There is situation there I will tell you later when I know how it ends. It will be told completely different depending on whether she returns or not. I will know on Sunday.

While in that mood I do not feel like posting here. While in the 'perfect' mood I feel like being out and about. When the world is too close my hands and mind shake too much to type. But that is not completely what silenced me these last three weeks.

That came with the surprisingly delayed realization that the collapse of the global economy is going to shut down the very businesses (along with most of the others) I am relying on to keep this website online. I will send the CD of it to a few people in the hope that it can be resurrected at some time in the future. But my hopes of that are not strong and so my impetuous to take time from living to type is greatly reduced.

As to my current state, I am unable to sleep then sleeping in almost coma length chunks. At breakfast this morning they said I had walked off without paying yesterday. Try as I can, I can pull up no memory of yesterday at all. My sense of time is a complete mess, and my memory of recent events very jumbled. My teeth itch, which sounds like a minor strange thing to mention, but it driving me nuts.

On the plus side I can engineer moments of clarity and action and that is more than I had a month ago.

October 24th, 2008

Quick recap: Mai returned on May 16th, I am getting better at manipulating the NL.

Today I got an MRI. There are two major parts to my condition. One is that depletion of myelin results in electrical shorts in the neural pathways of the brain. But the second is physical damage to the structure of the brain itself. Whether this is from the electrical arcing or from the immune system attack of the disease itself is unclear to myself and possibly to the doctors themselves.

What the MRI showed us is that over the last six weeks there has been "little to no physical deterioration of the structures of the brain."

We do not know whether this is life style change, environmental or an unexpected side effect of the NL. In practical terms what this means is that, if this continues as a trend, the likelihood of my dying from stroke or embolism (the two most common deaths if the patient dies before stage 3) is greatly reduced and the progression of the disease will most likely be slowed.

Now, remember this has nothing to do with the electrical problems of the brain. If anything NL seems to be accelerating memory loss and at times inhibiting perception or analytical of behavior. But my brain's ability to continue to properly perform its autonomic functions stands a greater chance of continuing on longer.

This means once again pushing forward my estimated time of death.

Side note: When I decided to quit working conventions I talked about it for three years. The great tidal wave of American Express revolving debt (as I envisioned) it made getting out nearly impossible.

I would set a date, let every one know, and then some setback - first 9/11, then being kicked out of Dragon (a very large convention), a typical great show having a really bad turnout, huge unexpected expenses, getting kicked of eBay. It was endless. And each time, I would reassess, set a new date, and work again toward my goal.

Of course I was getting sicker and sicker and knew I had to stop at least driving long distance, if not discontinue working all together, even if I couldn't afford to do so. But at the time I had not shared this info with almost any one.

After three years of this, my saying that I was going to quit was, rightfully so, met with skepticism and ridicule. "Sure, sure," they would say.

When I finally did quit traveling, everyone thought I had either died or been arrested - the rumors they do fly fast and far in convention folk circles.

And when I did a few final shows close to home in Florida, everyone thought I was back in the business again full time.

The point is I originally expected to die in 2003, then 2005. The protocol changed everything. Those earlier dates no one knew about as I was at the time hiding my illness.

Having a final date is important to my planning, both financially and mentally. So based on the information on hand at the time, I try to calculate one. Like the shows, I let that date be known.

Also like the shows, events occur to extend that dateline.

Moving to Thailand, falling in love, walking more, researching and finding the nano-lithium. All these things effected my health and changed the deadlines.

November 17th was based on me projecting that I would be in no shape to make another 10 hour border ride to Laos. A) my math was off and the border run was on Nov 3rd, and B) by November 17th I was feeling in many ways better than I did when I made those original calculations thanks to the NL.

I recalculated for February 3rd, the next border run, this MRI and the one following it, changed my mind on that. My mother made the comment of my stopping posting dates as it made people anxious.

That may be true but this is part of my planning and important to my thinking. I could stop sharing this info but then I am stuck with the old info being out there. Then again I don't want it to be like the conventions where everyone just stops listening. Or maybe that is a good thing. I don't know.

Anyway, I'll provide the thinking with the date, helps my clarity and your ability to judge.

• The MRI pretty much rules out stroke or embolism.

• My mood and the nano-lithium make self-termination in the near term very unlikely.

• However I have a very finite supply of money, it is illegal for me to make any here even if I had an attention span and the ability to learn new things.

• And the biggest whammy is that to get a new visa your passport must be within 6 months of expiration. That makes the February visa the last one I can get without returning to the States. So by my calculations my last visa runs out within a day one way or the other of my birthday.

There is a nice synchronicity about having your birthday and passing date being the same. That is the current mark and it seems pretty immutable, but then they all have.

I saw a sign for 180 day visa packages the other day. I have to check that out. I doubt such a thing could exist without me already knowing about it, but I will check it out. If that checks out that could add three months, health willing. Money would be a bigger issue than it already is, nut Mai - bless her heart - is willing to go back to work and that would both cut expenses and add income. Of course it would also mean I would barely see Mai.

 Note: this started as an event on this day: the MRI, but became a speech from the point of view of the typing date; 12/17/2008.