5/26/06

You know in reading this, this isn't what I meant this to be. This section was meant to be mostly the interesting ideas I have. When I started dating the entries, the urge to write something each day crept in. But sadly I don't have much more than a good interesting thought or two a month. I don't want this to devolve into: "Shaved today, had Chicken for lunch, watched Buffy reruns." and it's getting damned close to that. So I think I'll make an effort to only hit the highlights of events, and try to make better notes on the ideas that flit through my brain. That means fewer entries, but quality over quantity.

5/25/06

I woke up remembering that this line was in my dream. In my dream it was a scene in a Woody Allen movie. A few minutes on the Internet turned this up.

5/23/06

On Saturday Fred had me do 75 lounges, 15 to 20 at a time intermixed with other exercises. I knew I would be hurting today. Hurting didn't begin to cover it. Beyond a sore ass and upper legs, I got these terrible leg cramps so that my legs were not comfortable either extended or constricted. I spent the whole day hobbling from the couch, to the sofa chair to the massage chair and back again. I tried to get it together enough to take a relaxing bath, but it wasn't in the cards. Pretty much another lost day.

5/22/06

Pixie called me out of the blue. I thought it was MK at first. She wanted a copy of Song of the South. I hadn't made a DVD of that since years before as that isn't something that can be sold on eBay. But what Pixie wants Pixie gets as far as I am concerned and I was pretty sure I could gather up all the parts. Still it was going to be time consuming and I procrastinated for a couple days. Today I sat at the computer to find the cover file, and then leaning on the lip of the big marker board was a copy of Song of the South all done up. Now I don't know how long it has been there, how it got there, or how many years I have looked at it with seeing it, but it's just sat there all this time waiting for Pixie. The universe is a strange and magical place some days.

5/21/06

MK called yesterday. It was what is described in the papers as "Largest Counterfeit DVD Seizure In State History". While completely wrong in almost all details at least it takes that title away from me. Last week someone took me to task for referring to Illegal Aliens - I mean Illegal Immigrants - I mean Undocumented Workers - I mean Immigrants - as Scofflaws. They thought this ironic or hypocritical given that what I do for a living isn't legal. I almost took this up then, but it requires so much back story, and in deference to my mother (who is proud of the effort and skill I put into what I do but uncomfortable with it's legal status and what her friends will think) I decided against it. But I think the time has come to tackle this whole brouhaha. It will require organization beyond this simple page so I will work on it separately and then link it here when I am finished (end of May at the latest, I promise.)

It's still a work in progress but click here.

5/20/06

Today I went down to Altamonte for the rescheduled CEEEG. My D-Delta (It's a blood tests that measures the erosion of myelin in my system.) they said was 0%. This was usually a number to 4 decimal places like -0.0012. So zero didn't sound real and pushed them and they said that it was 0.0003 but since a positive value wasn't possible and the value was within the tolerance of the testing, it was zero. I still like to think of it as a positive number (which would mean myelin was growing back.) But even at 0, that's great news. My results since this last formulation have been remarkable.

While waiting, I had a conversation with an Asian woman named Kim that offered in joking tones to marry me so she could remain in this country. I didn't take her seriously at the time, but the idea grew on me as I drove the 40 minutes back to the house. It's a crime to enter into a fake marriage for purposes of getting someone a green card. But I can't help playing with the idea of what constitutes a real marriage? It can't be consummation, that would lock out people like me. Can't be love; would can that be determined? And love wasn't even a usual part of the marriage computation until a hundred years or so ago. She would be my companion until I died; sounds real to me. It's an interesting question and idea.

5/19/06

I knew today was going to be a bad day when I went to bed, and I wasn't wrong. Between pushing myself through the chaos of the Farmer's Market for as long as I did (usually I am in and out) and then the stress and uncertainty of the broken car...

I took 2mg of Xanax to get to sleep and then followed up with another 1mg when I got up. This left me in a nice fluffy Xanax coma from which neither thought nor stress could escape. I think I spent the day on the couch watching TV and drifting about the house.

5/18/06

It is May 25th as I write this. I've made notes along the way but as you can see I am quite behind on updating this site. My mother's visit, while unexpectedly pleasant, has unavoidably upset my schedule a bit here and there. Dawn has sent be a ton of photos some of which I want to get up in the Pictures section. Tonight and tomorrow I hope to get caught up with everything.

Yesterday my mother and I went to Farmer's market in Volusia County Fairgrounds. It's only on Wednesday mornings and while I try to make it every week, more often then not I don't. This was on those weeks where the flea market part of the goings on was forced out into the parking lot (it turned out by fire fighting equipment being used to fight the forest fires that had been brought in cleaning or some such.) I'd seen this happen once before and it great for me, because it organizes the flea market part from being spread all over to being in three straight rows that you can venture up and down and out. So after buying ridiculous amounts of nuts, fruits and vegetables (many of which would go bad in the week to come), I trolled the flea market and bought a few trinkets and picture for the front hall.

On the way home the air conditioning died (this is always bad in Florida) and so I opened the window. When I got home forgot to raise the window and so went to restart the car; nothing completely down. So I had Shaun, call Juan. Long story almost short, it when he lifted the hood, huge mounds of corrosion on the battery terminals. Cable connectors and a battery later the car was back in business, and it turns out the AC didn't need a recharge after all. Not bad for $130.

But this blew my schedule on the one day a week that is rather crowded. Fred came and over-exercised me, and I walked to massage therapy, but the CEEEG had to be rescheduled for Saturday.

5/17/06

The credit cards will be being paid off soon and without every extra cent I make going to that, some possibilities open up. That thought has me reassessing what goals I would like to achieve this year. The trip back home, to Albuquerque and the Keys (although that last one will technically be next January) remain important targets. The Jacuzzi I had already previously talked myself out of.

I would like to have Jeremy build a waterfall wall in the living room. When I encounter these in malls, restaurants or stores, I find them very soothing. I can picture it in my head, and know right where I want it.

Unless you count programming, I have never really had much in the way of hobbies, but in the back of my mind from time to time over the last thirty years has been the wish to have a big enough space to build a model railroad and town. The skills required are not really skills I have honed, and I don't have much knowledge of the art, but I think that learning part is a good part of any hobby. And it occurs to me that the landlord has been talking about building a sunroom onto the house ever since he laid the patio two years ago. I think if I offered to pay for some of the construction if he got it done by Labor Day, he would go for this. The patio is huge. Half of it would be easily big enough for a rather ambitious model town. I might finally have a real hobby, and one that would be perfect for my restrictions.

5/16/06

I think the only thing you can say about Kelly's and my relationship is that there probably is one. It defies classification, even to us. We've talked forever on the Internet, met in person briefly once and now she lives far far away. We hate each other's politics and sometimes go a week or more without communicating. We are both emotionally messed up. She has three children, one a new born and my condition makes being around newborns problematic. I like that she is attracted to me, but I don't know really know how serious she is. And I don't really know how I feel.

I liked my feelings in flux like that, the idea that they could become deep or that I could just turn away, depending on what was required.

Last night as I am falling asleep, a poem comes to me. Short, simple, not terribly good, but the first poem I've written in quite some time. I've written poems to Crystal, to Kate, to Natalie and to Tracy. Now I've written one to Kelly and I don't think I'm comfortable with what that might mean.

5/15/06

I feel great today. One of those days where mind and brain and drive are all functioning properly. I get superstitious on days like these about not doing anything to change to the status quo: don't eat too much, fall asleep, get too excited, etc.) I had Massage Therapy at noon, and so was trying to get as much done as possible before that in case that changed the way I was feeling. I got a menu built on a DVD that had been frustrating me the day before. Got the new painting hung up. I got the weekend's eBay orders ready to mail.

After massage, I was still moving smoothly. I caught up on my email and the rest of eBay and put together the bureau that I bought last week, that looks beautiful under the painting. The bedroom is now complete - actually it needs one more lamp. I called Shaun and arranged for us to go to Crazy Buffet at seven.

Dinner was a great success and mum fully enjoyed herself, and there wasn't a screaming child or obnoxious customer to set me off. A good time was had by all. And for once I am writing this summary in real time rather than the next day :)

If I can get a couple more days like today, I might start to feel caught up on things.

5/14/06

Mother's Day. Forgot to eat this morning, and so forgot to take my pills - most important in that cocktail is the Xanax. I felt really off and didn't know why. My sister calls with her weekly call/Mother's day call, and starts in with I should get her a card. Now, I'm not sure when I started hating cards, but I HATE cards. I hate receiving cards and with very few exceptions I hate giving cards. A pre-made card is like receiving money for a present; to me it says "I couldn't think of anything." And Jia's not taking no for an answer. Actually she is taking no, but she's heaping mound after new mound of guilt, and saying she's the only one that bends, which really pisses me off. Yes, she is the one that accepts whatever burden is out there, and she is the backbone that holds the fragments of this family together, but I have done a hell of a lot of bending. I hand her off (the phone) to mother and take a shower, thoughts starting to spin faster and faster in my mind; an attack looming. That's when it hits me that I haven't had my pills. Thirty minutes later I feel much better.

My original plan was to take mum out to Crazy Buffet, but I can't reach Shaun and Marilyn and we both decide that there will be too many potentially screaming kids out on Mother's Day, so I go to grab us some Chinese food (which for me is pretty much a treat). While I am waiting for the food I walk over to the Goodwill to browse and kill a few minutes. They have a little table for $24 which i figure will be good for the little nook that is empty now that all the business equipment is out in the garage. Mom doesn't really have any place of convenient height to eat here at the house. So I bought the table, and then started looking through the art and found a huge picture that reminded me of home and decided to get it for behind the entertainment center. It was obvious I couldn't fit either of these items in my car, and they explained I had 24 hours to pick them up. I figured I'll figure something out.

Got the food, got home and wasn't home 10 minutes when John comes to the door to bring over a Returned Item (they go to his mail box - don't ask.) and I ask if he can help me get the items in his Caravan.  Turns out he's taking his mom out to dinner but takes the slips so he can grab them on the way home. Voila! What could be easier?

So by nightfall the table is in the nook and it is obvious the picture is not going to fit where I want it.

Brad had recommended a movie that he thought was called A Home at the End of the World. There is a movie by this title and I had rented it through www.NetFlix.com. I still don't know if this was the movie Brad intended but it turned out to be pretty good and Mom and I enjoyed it. About halfway through, it occurred to me that the new painting would be perfect on the wall Jeremy built over the sliding door in the bedroom. Fits like I planned it that way, perfect.

5/12/06

I felt bad about ignoring my mum so much, so today I made sure I was rested, took an extra Xanax and blocked off 10am to 2pm to do whatever she wanted, which was to go to the book sale at the Deland Public Library. Turns out they have this every month. I planned that I would look around a little bit and then wait for her to find what she wanted. Well there were a ton of books from the good old days when common sense and logic were still allowed to occasionally leak into literature. I ended up buying, at what is given my current reading speed a lifetime supply of books. Books across all spectrums; some for gifts most for me. I'm clearly going to have to give up some TV time and allot at least an hour a day for reading. Perhaps with practice, some of my speed and retention will return.

5/11/06

Stormy day so I left for my weekly drive to Altamonte a little early and stopped at the circle K by the highway to get gas. I was a little peeved when the fuel pump refused to accept my credit card and so I had to hobble in to see the cashier. She was clueless but at least I was able to go back and pump my gas. On the way back in again to finish paying, a man that supplies their maps was unloading them from the trunk of his car. I was able to purchase the street maps of the 5 city area that my mother needed for about a third the price, making the tank gas almost free. Had the pump functioned correctly, or the cashier been competent, I would not only have missed this opportunity but also have had to go on a quest for maps later in the day.

My experience at the MRI place was the exact opposite of my experience last time. Last time, my test was exactly when it was supposed to be. This time there were still 3 people ahead of me, who were also passed their appointment time. However, unlike every medical place I have ever been in they treated me like my time was valuable and were very apologetic about whatever was going wrong. Then told me it would be at least an hour and sent me upstairs for a free (I assume free, perhaps they charged the protocol. I just know is didn't cost me) pedicure to pass the time.

During the pedicure I mentioned that I had hurt my ankle a few days before and that it was still sore. When they announced, again extremely apologetically that it would be another hour they took me for an X-ray of the ankle (no bone damage) and let me use the hydro-pool.

I'm not good at waiting when an appointment is set, but that is mostly because it seems like an insult - that my time is meaningless. Dr. Randolph - may he eventually rest in hell - was always a minimum of 1 1/2 late for his appointments, even if booked the first appointment of the day. Combined with the increasingly obviousness that he didn't listen to a word I said - well I went looking for another doctor. But this place, even though I had to wait 2 1/2 hours for my MRI I felt that my time was respected and perks made waiting painless and stress-free.

Also got the results from last week's blood work: my D-Delta was the lowest it has been since they have been testing it (-0.003%); almost no degradation since April 12th!

Only negative news was that I lost no weight this week, but that could be a number factors, the body is funny that way, and I could see it all on next week's weight in. I wish they were measuring BMI instead of weight, that's a lot more germane and accurate in it's readings.

5/10/06

Last week Shaun's dad, Bill, told me about a Health Food Market in DeLand that had fresh baked super-grain breads. Yesterday I finally checked it out. The place was great but what I want to type about is the clerk. Partly Asian, I think, and a killer smile and eyes. She had that irresistible combination of gorgeousness, youth, shyness and passion. While I often see women that are visually appealing, I can't remember one since Tracy that has grabbed me in that chemical, deep gut way. Can't get her out of my mind.

5/09/06

Kelly is making an attempt to flirt more. Yesterday she talked about coming down to visit, but admitted it probably couldn't be made to happen. I remarked that that was why it was called flirting not seduction and I knew we would probably never actually get together again. Suddenly today she's hot to make this happen. Looking at our schedules, July seems the best possibility. I still don't believe

it will happen but looking forward to it, makes a lovely fantasy.

5/08/06

One thing that I find disconcerting about CDS is that I can never be sure reactions and emotions are genuinely mine or a short circuit near the hippocampus. I had another bout of flash anger today. The new printer array was not functioning as planned and even some of the tried and true printers were jamming or not ejecting properly and I was getting more and more frustrated. I started slamming some of the units and the array case itself. Before I was frustrated enough to actually damage the equipment, I got up and started wailing on the pouching bag (yet another reason it is now in the garage). Unfortunately the boxing gloves had not yet made it into the room, and before I had calmed down, my hands were beaten raw. But at least no equipment was damaged this time, and now the gloves are right by the bag.

5/07/06

Yesterday I wanted to go to bed at 6 PM to catch up on my sleep, reset my sleep cycle to a more normal time, and be awake at 6 AM for Fred, so we could play Frisbee before the sun makes that impossible. It might sound silly but Frisbee is great exercise for me. It's fun so I put more energy into and it really gets my heart pumping.

But I forgot that used up all my sleeping pills back when I was worried about the NC trip and couldn't sleep. Eventually I thought of taking Xanax. 2mg will make me very sleepy, but the next day I still feel it and I had already had my usual 1mg that morning. But I figured if I took two and skipped the usual next morning dosage all my work out. This is in fact how it all turned out.

So I wake up at 6:30 am and wonder were Fred is. I call and he doesn't remember anything about our conversation (which oddly I remember in perfect detail), but comes over by 8:30. The sun is already too bright so Frisbee is out and we end up doing lunges and punching which I'm not really in the mood for.

Kelly has emailed, also wondering where we stand. Time will tell, but most of my anger is appeased.

5/06/06

I didn't sleep well, woke up at 3 am and had no choice but to go watch TV. I hate days like this because I'm more useless than usual.

Fred and I went biking today. We haven't done any biking or walking for a couple of months I think, so I was a bit nervous, even though we have done a ton of lunges so the muscles are there. Turns out I had plenty of strength. We did the whole 40 minute circuit without taking a single break (although I was barely limping along that last leg), and I only changed gears on the sand.

Afterward I showed my mother how to use the car (it has a few quirks - like it's owner) and took her on an orientation ride so that she won't be stuck here bored in the house all the time. I don't know how much fun I'm going to be for her on this trip. Two of her favorite things are restaurants (my dietary restrictions rule out almost all of these) and shopping. Having to deal with her wheelchair and the uncertainties of access and the like make that a difficult thing for me to share with her. I can probably manage a well plan outing a day, which is the exact opposite of what is easiest for her, which is to get out and get everything done at once.

Sightseeing though, we should be able to manage as that is largely outdoors and doesn't seem as daunting.

And we have the word game.

Kelly writes to ask if I'm mad at her, having picked up that my email replies has been a bit more terse than usual.

We have a ten or twelve email back and forth argument. I'm not sure where we stand at the end of it, but at least the air was cleared.

5/05/06

Last night I made my mother promise to nag me into get the finishing touches on some auctions that I wanted to get ready for posting.

She did and I started working on them. Almost instantly I ran into problems. One of my Photoshop actions was flawed and it took forever to find the error and correct it, the internet connection was unbelievably slow (dialup would have been faster) and it seemed like everything was trying to update itself.

As is often the case I start to get rattled by the approaching deadline (I had to be at the post office before it closed). I don't change gears easily, so when I make a target I get very stressed when deadlines start pressing on me.

I was stupid, because I had had a pretty busy day the day before and should have known to rest today. But I've been feeling so great since the new implant that I started thinking like I wasn't sick. Well, after the auctions were readied I'm trying to rush process the orders to get out to the Post Office, and the phone rings and the door bell rings, and Mom's talking and my mind starts doing that cyclic thing where I can't focus on any one thing, and I thought I was going to have a full blown attack in front of everyone. Thankfully my mother saw something was up (I wonder what that looks like to the outside world?) and took over the distractions so I regroup and focus on just one thing (the orders).

I think it freaked her out a bit though, because her kid gloves have been on ever since.

5/04/06

It was to be a busy day today. Fred first thing in the morning, eBay, then massage therapy, finish up eBay, down to Altamonte Springs for manufacturing supplies and over to the new place to get my CEEEG. The day went off schedule immediately in that I had a ton of eBay orders, and a ridiculous amount of email. It's weird how people can ignore me all week and then suddenly all pick the same morning to write. Luckily Fred stood me up again, so I was able to get the eBay and email handled (not that email couldn't have waited, but I'm pretty neurotic about that) just before massage therapy.

I didn't put it together at the time but I think I got the hospital I was having my MRIs and CEEEGs done at in trouble. When I was up in NC, I mentioned to Clive that the last couple of CEEEG results looked pretty similar (in other words the deterioration had slowed down again). He misunderstood at first that I was looking at the results side by side. Suddenly I'm going to a new place to have the tests done, and I think that conversation was the reason why. Because when the test was done this time I asked if I could compare them with the old results, and they said they aren't allowed to keep the old results. Medical research is apparently very cut throat, and they are very paranoid about espionage.

So I have to drive about 20 minutes (traffic willing) further away, but the equipment is much more comfortable. It's a newish private facility rather than a hospital, like before. The staff is very precise and timely. I liked the experience much better, despite the drive.

5/03/06

Well Happy Birthday to me!

I got a most unexpected present today. I spent a very enjoyable hour in the local grocery store conversing with a total stranger. I don't think I've talked that much in the last month. And this turns out to be one of those rare people that drags my more humorous side out of me. "Good Audience" people I think I've referred to them as some where on this site.

She lives over in Deltona, and we've swapped a couple of emails now, so the possibility of continued communication has now been established. All in all it made for a very pleasant birthday.

My mother arrived for a month long visit last night. Marilyn picked her up at the airport for me (the airport is bit beyond me chaos-wise now.) If we can get our individual recovery period needs to sync up it ought to be a very pleasant time. She bought a fair amount of pictures many of which will make their way to the photo section when I get the time.

5/02/06

The other evening I forgot to post the auctions. I almost forget that, because that can be an expensive mistake. The weird thing, I realized today, is that that missing spoke in the auction cycle makes it so that I have no auctions ending on my birthday tomorrow. So the question for myself is: Is that merely a very strange coincidence or was my subconscious working overtime to give me the day off?

5/01/06

It's National Scofflaw Day. What a strange strange country we have become. Think we'll have the balls to openly and legally create a second class citizen status in this country? Or will we just continue with hypocrisy for all? I think I openly openly hate both sides on this issue, and I'm starting to get pretty pissed at the ILLEGAL immigrants themselves.