3/31/06

That ticket got me thinking about other mangled statistics.

Average life expectancy in the US has climbed from 68.2 years in 1950 to 77.5 years in 2003. That's 9.3 years, sounds pretty good. When infant mortality (sampling only those that live passed 5 years old) the figures change from 78.9 years in 1950 to 83.4 years in 2003. That's 4.5 year increase in 53 years of research. Not as good but not too shabby. Here's the interesting fact, the change from 1980 (11 years after medicine was socialized (think Medicare/Medicaid) in the US) after adjusting out infant mortality was 84.1 years in 1980. A drop in life expectancy of 0.7 years from 1980 to 2003.

Divorce: We've all heard that 1 to 2 marriages fail in this country. The actual figure is 43% percent (although with so many qualifiers that 50% is debatable), but let's not quibble. 43 in a 100 marriages fail. Seems almost a coin flip. However now factor in that people with at least one divorce have an average of 2.88 divorces. If you are on your first marriage your odds of getting a divorce are 34.4%. If both of you are on your first marriage, your odds of getting divorced are 21.6%. Still not a great figure, but far better odds than 43% to 50%.

3/30/06

I got a moving violation ticket today. One of those checkpoint setups, one block from my street. Saw it in plenty of time; could have turned up Paltin and come down the other end. But I figure "what the hell?" And I get a ticket for not wearing a seat belt: $73 something.

While I'm not against seat belts per say, I am solidly and furiously against seat belt laws. Any law that protects me only from myself is a blatant violation of the 4th Amendment and step on very slippery slip that we are well on our way down.

I won't go into much of a rant on how the statistics don't bear up that seat belt laws lower fatalities, even though the statistics that do exist are hopelessly skewed by the fact that anyone left conscious in an accident will claim that they had their seat belt on, to avoid fines and forfeiture of insurance. Even given that New Hampshire, the lone hold out against seat belt laws, always ranks in the top 5 lowest percent of auto fatalities yearly. And states with lower seat belt compliances statistically have lower auto fatalities.

I will mention that a very good friend of mine, Pixie, was saved in an accident in which my van was totaled because she wasn't  a seat belt and was thrown clear before the van became a tiny little cube of twisted metal.

The point is, the choice should be ours. But it is the law and I will pay the damn ticket. And it's too cold up there to move to New Hampshire, but don't think it didn't cross my mind.

http://www.petitiononline.com/nobelt49/petition.html

I think the only way I can vent any of the powerless anger I feel at this situation is to help spread a little information:

• Think that seat belt laws exist for your safety and not your money?  Think again.  Check out this piece.

• Did you know seat belt laws often propel drivers to drive more riskily?  Click here for the report.

• Bill Holdorf, the godfather of seat belt law opposition, writes this well documented piece for you to read.

I drove over 300,000 miles over the last 12 years and maybe (maybe) 1000 of those I was wearing a seat belt. In the one accident I have been in involved a lot of cars; the only person hurt was hurt by his airbag. They can ticket me all they want, I won't wear a seat belt as long as they are removing my freedom to decide for myself.

3/29/06

I'm completely flummoxed by Tracy's offer to come visit. It has taken quite a long long time to get used to her not being around. On the other hand I love her company and I feel so much more alive when we are together. Which is, I suppose, the problem. I'm fairly sure that the emptiness I would feel when she left is probably equal to the emptiness I feel now, just without the differential to really rub it in.

So is the wonderment, worth the letdown? Should I be letting any moments of potential happiness slip by? And as always, what's best for her? These are not questions I can easily answer. Luckily there is no pressure being put on me, except by me, to answer them.

3/28/06

Last night I ran into tangible proof of my decline, rather than the subjective proof that I live with. I was looking for something and while doing so I found some notes I had made while researching the proposed correlation between myelin density and intelligence. In light of my decision to get the stronger implants, I called up some of the research papers I had been looking at about 18 months ago. Completely Greek! I can recall struggling to follow along the last time I read it, but being able to grasp the concepts if not exactly following the math and chemistry of it. Now it might as well be completely in another language. I really am living out "Flowers for Algernon" after all.

3/27/06

My college reunion was this past weekend. I didn't attend for a variety of reasons.

• It was too far (Massachusetts, I'm in Florida)

• It's pretty cold that far north

• It wasn't being held within traveling distance of the college (I would have been interested in seeing what has become of the old place.)

• Most of those attending seemed from a different clique than mine (if I had a clique)

• Travel is very stressful on me

Still I stayed in touch with the planners, and offered to post any pictures people took on this site.

The first batch of pictures came in before the reunion was even cold.

They can be found here: Nasson 2006 Reunion Pictures

3/27/06

12 secrets down (68 to go...)

I finally told Tracy that I had been ill most of the time we dated. This lie of omission had brought birth to several actual lies and I had made such a big deal of not lying to her, that this really bore into me (beyond it just being a really unconscionable thing to do in the first place.)

In true Tracy form, her response was not any of the few I had prepared for. She didn't mention my admission at all, merely asked if I wanted her to visit.

I honestly don't know how I feel about that, but I'm not making any decisions until the next round of treatment on the 12th.

3/26/06

It's funny how a fantasy can fizzle out when faced with reality. I saw this once with my Dad. For years he had talked about getting a little farm in Maine and going back to nature. One Christmas Brad announces to Dad that he will get him that place in Maine. Dad wasn't interested.

Today I know that feeling. For the last couple months I've been fantasizing about how wonderful it would be if I wasn't faced with working to stay alive, if I didn't have over 20 grand in credit card debt and ridiculous medicine bills. So today my sister calls, as she often does now on Sunday (she's continued even though Mom and her are talking again,) and asks me if I'd like it if they reworked the trust so that I got my inheritance now (instead of after I'm dead) in a form that covered my monthly bills?

In that moment I knew how Dad had felt. As much as I rail against the idea of having to work in my final years, what would I do if I didn't have to? I might travel a little, but I dislike traveling alone, and I don't think I'm fit company for traveling companions, given how little stress I can handle some days.

Most likely I would just watch even more TV. Would that make me happier, or would I be like so many retirees that expire within months of retirement?

I'm forced to realize that I need my work, as pointless as it is. And oddly, having realized that I think I am reenergized to dig back into it, no longer as something  I have to do, but as something I want to do.

3/25/06

My cousin Dawn has been writing me a lot of email this last couple weeks. I never got to know her sister Pearl much at all, but the rest of that spring of the family tree (Uncle Charlie, Dawn and Lloyd - sorry I have no pictures) have always been some on my favorite family members, although I never really saw them all that much.

She says that there is a lot of negativity in here, and she is probably right. After all it's the negative events in life that tend to stick the strongest in the mind (at least in mine) and cut through the haze of time most clearly. Still there are also some very happy moments and shall make an effort to balance this out with some of those anecdotes as well.

Her last email included "Why do you write (in your site) negative things about how you look, when you are extremely handsome (I just saw this picture of you)?". Tracy used to constantly say things knocking how she looked. Comments from myself and others praising her looks were always discounted. This drove me crazy. That withstanding I have had plenty of experiences in my life to very deeply enforce my belief that I am not that attractive. When moved to, I have almost always been able to overcome this with my personality, but I would not classify myself as handsome - and extremely handsome just floats well beyond the land of possibility.