Garth Bigelow - Thoughts

For some time now my work has been taking over more and more of the house. A few months back I approached the landlord about air conditioning the garage. I assumed that this meant dragging the duct work through the office wall into the garage. Turns out it was easier and better to install a stand-alone unit out there. Even though this required cutting an air-conditioner sized hole in the cinder block, the whole project was less expensive than I would have thought; less than $800.

While the edges of the garage door have not yet been sealed, everything else is done and slowly this week I threw out all the old stuff lying around out there and moved all the equipment and furniture in. Yesterday I completed the final step of running all the power cords. Today was my first day operating out of the garage, and all went perfectly.

There is a bit more dust out there (no matter how much I sweep and dust, that cinder block dust is everywhere) than I would prefer but I've brought in the air-purifier for what will hopefully be the final step toward cleaning out the dust.

And I still have a bit of cleaning left in the house to finish off this project and get my house back :)

Why does the word 'Skank' always make me laugh? Do you have a word that always tickles your funny bone? Do you know why?

My core thought system can be derived from a very eclectic collection of three books:

Objectivism, Discordianism and Realivism. It is impossible to read these books back to back to back and come out the other end the same person you were going in.

I would add the cliff notes to What the *Bleep* do We Know? to round out the worldview with Subjective Reality.

What brings this to mind today, is that Lionsgate Entertainment announced that Atlas Shrugged is finally coming to the big screen. It's weird enough that a movie based on a book that stands for everything Hollywood seems to be against: Rampant Unabashed Success from Hard work, in spite of - not with the help of - Governmental Interference, and guilt free taking of profits there from, but the main stars are to be Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt. Why are two such vocally outspoken liberal icons involved in such a pro-capitalist story? These are weird times indeed.

If I can get one concept across to the American voter before I go, I hope it is that trying to get something for nothing costs you more in the long run then just paying for it. And taxing business, and over taxing the producers is just that: a "make them pay for it" philosophy. If I can get the idea across that taxing business is just taxing you plus extra. If you make it more expensive for business to operate all they do is raise the price. But since there is also the overhead of accounting for the tax, the overhead of keeping more revenue on hand, and the overhead of collecting the tax, you the consumer get screwed from all sides. It would have been much cheaper to pay higher taxes and get items at lower prices.

But today's example is about idiot's complaining about the oil companies making record prices when the cost of fuel is so high. Does no one understand economics any more?

You run a company. Your company can put out 12 pies a day. The cost of materials, taxes, complying with laws, and equipment means that it costs you $10 to make your pies.
You sell your pies at $15.
Everyday your pies sell out, to your loyal consumer base that love your pies. You are profiting $60 a day on your in-house hobby.
Your pies get glowing mention in a letter to the editor of your local paper. Suddenly there is more demand for your pies. Your pies are sold before you can even get them cooked. Some customers start offering you $20 to get on a list for the next days uncooked pies. You look into expanding, but it turns out the law makes it that if you make more than 15 pies you have to be commercial. You’ll have to get special licenses, buy or rent a commercially zoned business and of course buy commercial equipment. You will also need at least two employees plus a part time accountant to keep track of the paperwork for the government. Taking this into account, you realize that adding more capacity will require you to charge $30 per pie and sell at least 100 per day to make what you are currently making.
You aren’t sure that the market will support this and you don’t wish to risk the investment. So you keep turning out the 12 pies. The fervor over the pies makes bigger news of your pies, and that they are hard to get becomes much bigger news, which attracts more people. Demand increases, and you are getting offers of $40 and $50 per pie a week in advance.
The price has gone up, your costs have not. What has happened to your profit? Are you gouging?

Now, let’s bring this around to the oil companies.
We consume between 25 to 30% of the world’s oil.
Five years ago China (a quarter of the world’s population) consumed 7%, now it consumes 20-22% and rising each year.
The price of a barrel of oil is no longer set by consortiums like Opec. It is set by which entity bids the most on each load of oil produced.
Demand is rising sharply each year as China grows technologically in leaps and bounds.
The price of producing oil is staying more or less the same.
The price of adding refineries in the US is so tied up in EPA rules and governmental costs, that no refinery has been built in the US for over 30 years.
So when the price goes up, yup Big Oil makes more money.

But what should they do?

So the government (who I really would like to believe understands economics) wants to tax “windfall” profits.
What do you think the upshot of that will be? It will be figured into the cost of selling oil to US and the US will have to pay more to get the same buying power of a lower bid from China.
End result of the customer again trying to get something for nothing? The price goes up, and more jobs go elsewhere.

And if this doesn't sink in, the price of gas of in China today is $1.70 a gallon. Why? Their costs are the same for a gallon of crude. So why? Their government is smart enough not tax energy, and their regulations are lax enough (not necessarily a great thing) to allow for plenty of refineries and drilling.

I get so frustrated some times. But I figure if I can get this simple concept across, maybe it will rub off on the next person near you when they spout off on the “evils” of big oil.
I’d hate to have a repeat of Hillary and the flu vaccines. I swear they never learn.

I haven't been reading books as much these past few years. I thought it was a combination of decreasing eyesight and concentration. But now it think it was more the former than I realized. This morning, while purchasing a bunch of globe lights for the vanity in the bathroom, I invested in a large magnifying glass so that I could more easily read the instructions on my various medications (I used to be able to just memorize them but now they keep changing them so often.

Well Lorne had given me The Tao of Health, Sex and Longevity for my birthday, and with the aid of my trusty magnifying glass I read about 30 pages without my mind wandering off hardly at all. That might not sound like much, but that's a major change.

This website is getting harder to construct. Back when I was just writing it for me, I had the freedom of obscurity to say whatever popped into my head. Then I hit a story, whose telling could land someone else in jail. Then there was a tale that could have possibly destructive results for those related to those involved. These tales didn't seem that they were mine to tell. This slowed down my pace a little.

Then I let everyone know I was sick, and soon a lot of people were reading these pages, and that made it a bit harder to write. They weren't just stories of me, they were stories of me and other people. This made things a bit tougher still.

Then I started getting feedback, both first and second person, challenging the accuracy of some stories. A lot of info I've taken on faith (usually from being told so as a child, has been called into question) and it occurred to me the one-sidedness of this project. There is no way for anyone to easily set the record straight or at least tell their side of things. Some sort of user comment ability will have to be added to this website. Regardless, that makes this undertaking even that much more difficult and I am finding it very hard to post anecdotes while I address these ideas.

Lorne, Lisa, Sage and Maegan started home today. I didn't get to see too much of them, which was probably a good thing as the timing left me a little worse for wear at the beginning. But on the final day we got some good talking in, and overall it was very pleasant visit.

It's a tough time to be a fiscal conservative. I fear that in thirty years or so, there won't be hardly any one left that truly understands real economics. Nobody seems to understand for instance that a tax on business, is just a backdoor tax on the consumer - with the extra overhead of the administration costs of tracking, paying and receiving that tax. But people are much happier with the illusion that someone else is footing the bill. As long as they can't see the tally of what is actually being taxed from them, they are complacent.

Just as all democrats aren't liberals, all republicans aren't conservatives. The party in power now are neo-conservatives. Neo-conservatism is a philosophy of being tough of foreign policy, but having the liberal belief in huge government and social structures. Thus we find ourselves where we are now, with huge spending on both fronts, and deficits that just crush the soul on conservative and laws that must be just completely demoralizing to the libertarians. But who should we conservatives vote for? Neo-cons are at least partly in line with my beliefs, and democrats seem to delight in putting up their most liberal party members as candidates. I think the only hope is that a true conservative will emerge as the republican presidential nominee, and I just don't see that happening. Perhaps I should be hoping that the democrats take one of the houses back, in the hope that gridlock - as frustrating as that is - would be the lesser of several evils.

Over the last three weeks or so I've been casting emails out to long lost (or at least long uncontacted) friends, whenever research and family help would turn up addresses. Yesterday for some reason, half of them all returned my email at once. That opening email is always so awkward because I don't know what they know about my illness and all. I usually keep it short and point them at the sites. It's the second email (when there is one) that things sometimes get interesting. We will see how this batch turns out.

One of my customers yesterday had the name of Trinity Smith. This strikes me as a great character name. Almost seems like I should try to write a story around it. I haven't written fiction in a long time might be fun to play at it again.

Well it was nice while it lasted. And it is good to know that under all the medicine most of my reasoning ability is still intact. I had wondered. There is a theory that a lot of intelligence has to do with the amount of water in the layer between myelin sheath and neural axon. Because the salt water conducts electricity with far less resistance than the nerve itself, electrical impulses (that form the basis of thought) should travel faster through the water layer than the neuron itself. Thus it is proposed that those with higher levels of myelin have faster (which doesn't necessarily mean better) thought processes. So I had concerns that with the loss of myelin was a loss of thought ability beyond that caused by the symptom reducing medication.

Yesterday was a really good day. The drugs they gave me in NC had worn off, and the implant wasn't up to full speed. My mind was sharper than it has been in years, but it was also quiet. I wondered what I should do with this temporary gift. I had to stay in, as in the this state I would be very susceptible to over stimulation, and that would ruin everything. I saw no point in digging into my old studies as an insight gleaned would most likely quickly be lost in a few days. I decided on gaining enjoyment from things I've found harder and harder to appreciate, and partially through luck fell upon Discordianism.

I laughed longer and harder than I have in recent memory. It really was a great day.

"All of the true things I am about to tell you are shameless lies... Anyone unable to understand how a useful religion can be founded on lies will not understand this book either" - Kurt Vonnegut, Cat's Cradle

"Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it, and finds himself no wiser than before. He is full of murderous resentment of people who are ignorant without having come by their ignorance the hard way." - Bokonon

Occasionally when I am waiting on the computer I will look through the stat counter for this site, to see who is looking at it, and how they come upon it. While looking at one guy's search today I noticed an entry for my Dad's obituary, which I ended up reading.

I can't believe I could have gone my whole life without knowing Dad's parents were named Fred and Ethel. I'm sure I never knew this; it's not the sort thing I'd forget, even now. I find it very strange that wouldn't be brought up by some family member, at the very least in a joking way.

It also strikes me strange that I have what strikes me now as an extremely low level of curiosity about my immediate ancestry. It doesn't seem normal, that I never once thought to wonder previously who my grandparents were.

My dad was diagnosed less than a year after I was. I was still deeply involved in processing my own impending mortality, and rather than give us a shared experience to bring us closer, it made it nearly impossible for me to be there for him.

Upon getting home my plan was to fill the eBay orders that had built up while I was away, and then get some much needed sleep. Between trying to sleep on their bed (not their fault, I have been so spoiled by my bed and environment, that I usually find it difficult to fall asleep away from home) and being awoken at odd hours for various tests I don't get much sleep during these outings. And while I usually get some sleep on the train, some problem in NC had them switch us to different trains three times, so even there it was a bust. Anyway, my point was I was tired and was going to go to sleep but I seem to be beyond sleep and so I'm going to stay up until 10 and then take some sleeping pills. That way I should be in more of a normal sleep cycle when Lorne and company arrive, which will probably be tomorrow. The point of this is, my mind is a bit foggier than usual but I didn't want to keep you in suspense.

On various trips to NC I've had theories on what was up with my condition. They all have one thing in common; they all turned out wrong when I got there. Well this time I got one right. My implant (by the way, I have at times referred this as a rod (really it's more like a thin wire.) I like to play with language and use silly words, but as has been pointed out to me, since I occasionally use the incorrect word accidentally, it might be better for me to try to be more concise with my language usage) had been exhausted before it's time. They aren't sure how early, but at least two weeks (and I'm betting two months based on my symptoms) or the exact cause. They agree that my increased activity was likely a cause, and possibly even the dietary charges.

So a lot of what I thought was a worsening of my condition was most likely caused by this, and so I ended up not getting the stronger implant. All that anxiety about lowered intelligence for nothing; for now. I use to advise people not to worry about things they had not control over. When did I stop following that myself? The new one should last longer, but is the same strength.

I weighed in at 298, which is too close to 300 to avoid that psychological safety. I have to lose 10 pounds every 2 months. They through me a curve in that it isn't cumulative. That is to say, if I lose 30 pounds this two months, I still have to lose 10 pounds the next two months. They don't want me starving and coasting, which knowing me, probably would have been my plan.

On the new & cool side, we did some testing with a drug that is a derivative of topiramate, Dilantin and lithium. It's an injection that has a short term (a few hours) effect on the brain in dampening electrical activity. This has two applications. One, to bring about what I refer to as a reset; stopping some random symptom in it's tracks. Usually I have to suffer through whatever, and hope that sleep brings a reset (which is usually the case.) And two, it might make it possible for to have sex, without the top of my head coming off. This last, being of even more interest to me, as they seem to have nothing to kill my sex drive, without some really nasty side-effects, but fear of the pain had made getting there no longer an option. They are hopeful that the next time I come up they will have some emergency ampoules perfected and ready.

So I'm no dumber, feeling better and have some hope for improved standard of living on the immediate horizon. All in all I think that's pretty good news. Now I just need some sleep.

This day was quite different than I had expected. My stays at Jude always start the same. They take everything I have and give me a hospital gown (after the first trip I lobbied successfully to bring and keep my bathrobe, a trend I've noticed spreading.) and when I leave they give me everything back. This time after they took the first test, they gave me all my stuff back and said I was free to go for the day and come back at 7pm. I'm not sure what that's about, or whether it's a good sign or a bad one. I don't even know what the first test is for; I should have asked at some point.

Anyway, not allowed to eat or drink, the NITIC gave me a few suggestions on spending my free time (Aquarium and museums - wasn't in the mood for either but not bad ideas for when I need an idea toward getting out of the house; both tend to be quiet and fairly interesting.) but I ended up going to the movies. Saw "Thank You for Smoking" which I completely enjoyed and heartily endorse you seeing, and "Lucky Slevin" which tries to be "The Usual Suspects" and fails terribly.

A little while after I boarded the train and settled in, I struggled to get comfortable in my seat and fall asleep. Two men in front of me, noticeably drunk, were telling jokes and having a loud good time. Sleep was not to be had, but one of the jokes made laugh out loud (excellent delivery) and I scribbled it down while it was fresh:

It's been an anxiety filled few days getting ready for my trip. Tomorrow I drive to Jacksonville and then catch the train to St. Jude. I can't fly because I never know how long I'm going to be there. Some times it's only a day, one time it took five days. Taking the train allows me to leave on short notice and so get home as quickly as possible. I'm actually looking forward to the driving part, especially if it stays partially overcast like it has been the last few days.

I've been thinking that the stress the last few weeks has led to my rise in symptoms recently, but today I wondered if (with the exercise and detoxification) the implant had been used up early. It's a possibility; I wonder if they have a test for that?

I was not feeling well yesterday and decided to take a bath to relax my muscles. The pain had awoken me in the middle of the night so by the time I took my bath I was pretty tired. With the iPod picking random tunes the warm water soon soothed me to sleep. Now I'm a big guy, so even in an oversized tub like mine, there is zero chance of me drowning. But I was out long enough for the water to go from near scalding to ice cold. I'm not sure when I got in, but I figure I was in there for about 4 hours. Luckily I add baby oil to the bath water, so I didn't end up a prune. But it got me thinking, had I owned the Jacuzzi I've been wanting, I know full well I would have been in it instead of the bath tub. I'd like to think, that I had I fallen asleep in the Jacuzzi I would have woken up when I couldn't breath, but you hear stories of people drowning in bath tubs, so I wonder.

Long story short, I've decided against owning a Jacuzzi. The drowning idea was not the only part of that computation, the exercise has strengthened my neck and I don't feel the need for it like I used to. The idea of drowning was just the finishing touch.

I often have what I think of as anxiety dreams. They usually take the form of trying to get some task done that never gets done. Most often it is trying to get setup for a convention and my spot is all wrong, and load-in is insane, and I just can't get it all straightened out and it's almost time to open the show and I'm not even close to setup.

The other night I had a weird take on the anxiety dream. Part of what made this dream unusual was the scope of the dream. It felt like it took all night to have (I even got up in the middle of the night to go to restroom and afterward went straight back into the dream.) and the dream itself was at least 4 or 5 days in duration. A cool feature was the number of people in it. I think at various points just about everyone was there. I even got to spend several hours with Dad, which was an especially nice treat.

Like most anxiety dreams I woke up tired, but not exhausted as the pace of this one was much more relaxed. Most of the details have vanished now and only a few parts are relatively sharp (much like my life itself.)

I'm in a bit of pain today. Every muscle is trying to contract for some reason. It has eased a bit from this morning, but not enough to allow meaningful work so I started looking for something on the net (A walking stick) and up popped an IQ test. I decided to take it. I don't really put much stock in non-formalized IQ tests, but oddly the results came smack dab down where the St. Jude tests came in:

Congratulations, Garth!
Your IQ score is 133

The Classic IQ Test

What's Your IQ?

This number is based on a scientific formula that compares how many questions you answered correctly on the Classic IQ Test relative to others.

Your Intellectual Type is Visual Mathematician. This means you are gifted at spotting patterns — both in pictures and in numbers. These talents combined with your overall high intelligence make you good at understanding the big picture, which is why people trust your instincts and turn to you for direction — especially in the workplace.

So we'll see where I'm at after next week.

I'm in a foul mood after one day of pain. I honestly don't know how my mother does it. One week of this and I'd sucking on the wrong end of a gun. Luckily, experience tells me it will almost certainly be gone tomorrow.

BIG NEWS! In a pleasant turn of events the protocol panel did not keep me hanging until my visit on the 12th to learn whether I get to stay on the Protocol. Based on my blood work of last Friday I have been granted a 2 months stay of execution. They want me to stay on the regime they proscribed and are adding in caloric restrictions. They also require that I lose 10 pounds every two months to stay on the Protocol until I am off the diabetes medicine completely.

I was surprised to have learned that I actually gained 15 pounds since starting the anti-diabetes regime. I know I have a lot of fluid in me (I have to drink four and half liters of water a day), and have gained a lot of muscle mass, but I still thought I had lost weight. Anyway, now I have to start paying attention to the calories as well as the food. 2400 calories daily, 700 of which are Omega 3 oils. This will be tapered down if I don't see the weekly results needed.

Still that's six more months of the medicine I need (I figure they can't take back the implant and pills they will give me on the 12th, even if I somehow blow it in one of the first two rounds), and not having to wait this nerve-wracking week to find out, was just the cherry on top.

I paid my not-wearing-a-seat-belt ticket today. I then took the money send to the State Troopers every year and sent it to an Seat Belt Law Repeal group instead. And this being the type of country it is, a little more fiddling with the computer brought me to a site that explained medical exemptions from the seat belt laws of all states. Turns out I qualify both as a diabetic and because I fractured my neck as a teenager. I have printed out the form just in time to take to my doctor for my appointment tomorrow. I'll let you know how it goes.

This isn't the site I used (because I didn't feel like forking over $39 for something I could do myself) but if you too would like the freedom to make this decision for yourself:

I also found a site on how to fight this unconstitutional ticket in court, but I'd rather have paid the ticket than have to get near the government. Seeing as I truly do have contempt, contempt of court could be a life sentence...

It's been a week since I realized that work for me was not only desirable but necessary. Since then I have been able to get out of my own way, and have hit my target everyday of getting one more item designed, prepared and listed. I've done some high quality work to, if I don't say so myself. And I think my mind is a bit sharper for it.

I have taken for sometime to falling asleep listening to the musical episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I am pretty well trained now to fall asleep before it is over. However, I have two options when it comes to playing it. If I play it from the DVD I get the full version, dialog and all, but I have the lights from the equipment to contend with (I do not like light when I try to sleep.) Or I can play it from a musical DVD that I back in my convention days. But that version doesn't have much of the dialog and has lots of skips and errors.

Well today I finally got around to researching how to strip the audio off my DVD and turn it into a CD. With a little help and jump starting from Shaun, and $31 on the credit card, I now have a full dialog CD to fall asleep to. Happy advance birthday to me.