Garth Bigelow - Thoughts - November, 2007

I read a Stumble last night reminding me to slow down and enjoy life. So I read it's suggestions and brushes my teeth in the moment and paid attention to the quality of my morning shower. Then decided that I hadn't had a Perkins breakfast in eons. So off Dan & I went. It was a beautiful crisp autumn Floridian day.

We got a seat in a room all by ourselves. However it was still noisy as the customer just outside the room was deaf and his waitress was chatty. I ordered a Bacon, Tomato and Spinach eggs Benedict meal. I made every effort to eat slowly and savor the food. I would forget at times, and then catch myself and reign the pace back in. It truly is an inspired combination of tastes.

After we got back home I thought I'd take advantage of the outside temperature being perfect, dry and overcast to walk down to Marshall Park and see if it had any water from the week of rain we had thanks to Hurricane Noel. After a leisurely walk in the park's direction the first noticeable change was that the path from the street was overgrown. The torrential rains the previous summer had dug a large gulley down the embankment to the right of where the stairs use to be. Just to the right of the ditch was a newly worn path; now the path of access.

Once we reached the boardwalk itself the difference since the last time I was there was amazing. The weeds had become small trees and grown straight up to the boardwalk creating a tunnel like effect. Given the condition of the walkway itself - safe but quite weathered and rundown - and the condition of the entrance I figure this Park is no longer on any kind of maintenance schedule. (Click the picture to see it back in July)

Strolling carefully further down the walkway to where the last little drops of water had been in July, we found that some of the water had returned. But not as much as I had expected and the land around it seemed permanently claimed by vegetation.

I worry about the trip to Thailand. 22 hours on a plane in three legs; even in first class that seems impossible to handle. But the time on the plane will be nothing compared to getting settled in. I have to get from Bangkok to Pattaya - a two hour ride that the CIA world fact website makes sound like riding the gold stagecoach in the old west. Dodging robbers and such. I'll have a hotel reservation for the two or three days and an appointment with the main place that rents houses and condos. Not that I've done any of that yet, still working on the Visa. Which means traveling around looking at places - but at least I'll have someone else leading the way during that part. I'll have to see them and also get a bank account set up. All this during a time I would usually be recovering from the flight.

After that though it will be whatever pace I choose to set.

One of the more tiring aspects of traveling is dealing with my belongings. So to reduce some of the stress I plan to travel very lightly and get most of what I need when I am there. This led me to thinking what do I need? My laptop for sure; it will be my connection to my family and friends and how I will update this site. It might also be my only familiar form of entertainment. With that comes a ridiculous array of peripherals. But I can't think of any I don't want and they all fit into the rolling case. My headset and the iPod are my only defense against unexpected chaotic and painful noise - but I wear all that so that is not a problem. Beyond that I need as much of my medicine as I am able to get (that looks to be three months worth).

The clothes that I own do not fit with Thai culture, and what they offer - extremely thin garments head to toe - sounds much better. So one change of clothes. I'll get the rest there. The cane has always been a pain - I'll get one there. The same with hygiene products. It should all fit in a small bag. Atop the to laptop case, it becomes something I can handle with one hand. Passport and birth certificate and I'm good to go.

This got me thinking about my possessions. I could basically sell everything I have. Trouble is, I could never handle a yard sale myself, and while we have unloaded a handful of possessions on eBay, it is a slow process and shipping becomes a major problem for any item of actual value. So I need to look into finding an eBay Selling Assistant that also handles Craigslist and Pennysaver and such. An unloader as it were. There must be such a thing, especially in Florida. I just had this thought, so I'll have to look into it.

Last night I made of list of simple goals for the next day. I figured if I picked some of them off early I'd get some moment. One was the finances. I usually do this every Saturday but i had forgotten yesterday. This requires access to several credit card company websites and that the internet and two computer be working correctly. Two credit card company websites were down - one for maintenance the other just had an error. I did what I could and figured I would return to this later. Momentum was not building.

Another task involved downloading some covers MK had left online for me. I set them to downloading and Dan and I went to Grams (which I also forgotten about yesterday). When I returned the files had downloaded, so I deleted them from the online space only to discover that what I had downloaded was corrupted except for the first file. No momentum yet. I was starting to get frustrated. It has become very hard for me to concentrate on anything and I was bound and determined that today and tomorrow I would stay on point and get some new product up online. It seemed easy, the hard work (designing covers and finding titles) had already been done by MK. But universe was leaping in my way and Murphy's Law was starting to piss me off.

I emailed MK and checked to see if the credit card websites were working yet. They were, so that was two things off the list (okay, one of them was 'go to Gram's' but it was forward motion. I decided to work on this site you are reading as I was stuck until I had the new files. MK called as I was transferring the pictures above from the camera to the computer. She was uploading the covers again. I am downloading them one by one as I write this.

It is now 6:43pm and I have just finished my tasks for the day. It was more work than I had expected because MK uses a different template for her sets, and most of these new titles are sets. So I had convert them, which is still much easier than having to make them from scratch. But my mouse arm is killing me.

I feel good that I was able to achieve a task I set for myself, but frustrated that it took such effort and toll for what use to be essentially a simple task. But it is done, and tomorrow I have just the task of pulling together all the pieces I've created today and getting these items online for sale. Its a task about equal to today's. It shouldn't be a problem; I hope I am bringing some momentum into tomorrow.

I hadn't been out of the house since Marshall Park and was going just slightest bit stir crazy. I grabbed the new headphones and headed out for the best field test I could think of: McDonalds. With their constantly high pitched beeping announcing which item they are now burning and the seemingly mandatory three screaming kids this is a place I avoid like the plague. At the counter I endured the place with headset off - not ready to be completely on display. But once we were seated I put them on and flipped the switch. These things are great! The beeping dropped several octaves; I was aware of the screaming children but the upper registers were removed leaving them powerless to torture me. And yet, through the magic of computer science, I was able to hear everything else with perfect clarity.

Now I just have to get over being the guy with enormous headphones on, and this opens up a world of possibilities. I wonder what those possibilities might be?

The momentum of earlier in the week stopped where I talked about it last. With half the new titles listed I had several bad days in a row and simply lost interest in all but trying not to stress out.

My left brain was running slower today, making typing very difficult as my right hand kept missing or dropping letters. Just subtle enough to be very annoying as I didn't give up but kept screwing up. I did find it impossible to communicate in real time typing with Tracy and Raine.

While Tracy was visiting, I had stopped doing most of the brain teasers and online puzzle games that I had been using to try to keep my mind humming along. While I definitely noticed a decline in my mental ability during that time, it was such that I found it difficult to get back into them. The flash strategy games that I had found so interesting previously now seemed too frustrating to be fun and thus engrossing. I would check out new ones and move along quickly to other interests or more than likely back to the TV. A few days ago Dan emailed me the Cat Game and I stuck with it until I got good at it. Hopefully this will springboard me back into getting into the puzzles. I think they help.

I did spend some time changing the menu (again) that appears on the top of each of these pages. I had really liked the last one but it took a while to load and on smaller monitors it was not always obvious that the page had changed when a selection was clicked on. I wanted to do the whole thing using <div>s and no tables. But after hours of growing frustration trying to do it the currently correct way AND make it work in both IE and Firefox, I gave up and used Tables for the structure and <div>s for the total cell coverage. There are a couple pages with minor cosmetic problems, but I can live with that.

retrovised from the day before Thanksgiving.

The last few days have been stressful, mostly because I was trying not to stress about my upcoming flight. I no longer deal with the unknown well and any kind of trip contains a lot of that. Then two days ago John raises the rent, significantly enough that I have to adjust my financial plans. I don't begrudge him this; they've only raised it once since I moved in whereas property values have gone enormously during that period. But still I would have rather known after my return - but there is no way they could have known this. Then the refrigerator stops working. We don't notice it until there is a large puddle of water on the floor and the freezer food is partially defrosted. Thankfully John takes care of rescuing the food and sends for a repairman that shows up later in the day.

There is nothing he can do to salvage the fridge but by mixing and matching with parts from his dead fridge they can make a working one. But he is busy and wants to put it off. For me this is great - but it off one extra day and I can avoid the whole situation and it can be handled with no stress to me while I am flying to the Cape. This is great news to him too; all set. Yesterday morning he is in the kitchen trying to get the old fridge out and the new one in. I don't know why, because it barely involved me, but it just shot my stress through the roof.

During all of this I've been packing in spurts. And when not packing I'm making lists of what I should pack. Unlike the cruises I'm gone for over three weeks and I need to get this right. I've got a fresh months worth of medicines all nicely packaged up and hopefully I've remembered everything. Making sure the laptop had everything I needed was more time consuming than I expected. I needed more programs and shortcuts added than I thought it would. But thankfully with few exceptions adding then proved easier than one would think.

I woke up to the alarm at 5am. Stumble, literally, into the shower, check and shutdown my computers. I packed the things I had needed in the morning and loaded the trunk. Then danced around the house for a hour trying to figure what else I needed. Last minute additions were shoved in the computer case where ever they would fit.

Dan drove; I was too disoriented to drive even though it was early. By the time we were at the airport I needed my cane (which thankfully was in the car) and it took me forever - it felt like - to get everything off and me and through the metal detectors and xray machines and then back on to me. All with people whizzing around and past me. After that boarding was relatively simple. I used the "people needing extra time" as my category to load in on, and only the fact that my rolling computer case was exactly as wide as the aisle caused me any problems.

Thankfully I really lucked out in that the middle seat turned out to be unoccupied. I do hate being crammed in - although JetBlue seats are better than most. However, I found myself unable to focus enough to read and the TV kept working and then breaking. So for long stretches I found myself with no diversion - which is never good for me. When we arrived - ahead of schedule - in Boston, I was a mess. Again thankfully Jia found me as I was following the signs to Baggage Claim. The rest of the trip back to her house is a blur.

I've been here a Jia's for half a week now. I've gotten to talk to Lorne for a brief bit while he was working outside over here. Without a car, and faced with cold and rainy weather I've been trapped in the house. Perched in front of the TV or computer it isn't all that different from back home. Her home has hot zones and cold zones so I can be comfortable no matter what my body is up to.

My sister is not a big talker but she has been making an effort,

On Thanksgiving evening I will be going to the Island and on December 2nd I'll be heading over to the Hyannis. The plan of this trip was to give anyone that needed it closure. When I head back to Florida it will be with a mind toward making the business self-regulating, getting my financial affairs in order and making the arrangements for Thailand. So this is the last time I will see my family and friends in this area.

It had been so long since I had talked to John that while I had wanted to call him before heading up North, I kept procrastinating. I finally make the call today and get his answering machine. I leave a message that I will call again later.

I had stopped answering Jia's phone as I never remember the messages and the calls aren't for me. So of course the next call is for me but I don't find out about it until Jia gets home. Will Selzer, a friend of Lorne's who used to work for me doing shows, and lives here in Middleboro had called. Another call, and another message left on an answering machine.

Jia and I go out for Chinese food. It is strange, before the plane trip I had been eating up a storm for a couple of weeks. It was almost Prader-Williesque and I wonder if something new was up in my brain. If so, it totally flipped on the trip and now I've hardly been up to eating at all. But tonight I have shrimp with lobster sauce (which I have not had in decades) and I surprise myself by almost finishing it.

I call John again after I get back here, and this time he is in. And I discover just how out of the loop I am. His mother, who last I knew was dying and bouncing on rhythmic cycle, had died over a month and half ago. John still does shows, I'm amazed that word did not find its way to me. We talked for awhile about how he was coping and I hit him up for a room for the last leg of my trip (actually I think it was the other way around. I think went asking it came up that Mrs. Power had passed away.) Another reminder of how closed off I'm becoming. I'm surprised that he sounded as good as he did. I always expected that John would fall apart without his mother.

For the second night in a row, I believe I have slept in the same position with it destroying my shoulders and joints. Weird.

I wake up feeling really sharp mentally although the ground has that wavy thing going on, and use my cane for awhile until I realize that has passed. I watch TV most of the morning but take some advantage of being able to read coherently. Will calls about half of noon and says he will be over "in twenty minutes, maybe less." Within an hour he has arrived. Will is a very hyper person. On a less well day it would have been very hard to take. Today I quickly resorted to the headset. I found myself constantly a step behind, trying to process the sentence before while the next one sailed by me. This is not helped by the fact that a lot of what Will says doesn't make a lot of sense until you crack his Rosetta stone - and he had gotten a new one in the decade since last we talked.

I was though very cathartic to talk to someone I could say anything to and are conversations traveled down some dark passages - that we were both comfortable with. He found it very difficult to leave but eventually was up against his time constraints and he was off. I left happy about the encounter but was now drained and somewhat shell-shocked. And this was one on one. I began to wonder what tomorrow with its fourteen people would bring?

'Most of my things were spread between the TV room (where my computer was set up, and the bedroom. So I slowly moved everything into the bedroom to get everything out of the way. Tomorrow I will pack everything up into the two cases before anyone arrives. I must remember to pack the Lantus. As it is in the fridge, it is most likely to be forgotten. This would not be good.

It's odd, when I was 'healthy' I never felt guilty about not helping out during the preparation of Thanksgiving. My help was given begrudgingly when I was called upon for the odd task, but mostly I entertained my nephews, nieces and various family offsprings. Now that I really can't do much to help I do feel somewhat guilty about just sitting back while chaos evolves in the kitchen.

The meal is set for 1pm which experience tells me means 2 (turns out to be 2:30). My mother arrives around 10:30 and everyone else between 12 and 1. The weather has finally turned and it is a sunny shiny day in the high sixties. This means that the house is hot and the traditionally cool family room now has roaring fire in it. That room I can't even breathe in. I try to go out for a walk, but the sun is so bright I only make it around the block and through the Cemetery before falling back to the house. I never paid much attention to tombstones before but this time my mind was noticing lots of little details: how the 19 century stones were done very differently, all the stones with just initials on them, how age had very little to do with how moss covered or clean they were. There was one that had four names on it, the last one dying in 1954 that was obvious cleaned with care and flowers placed around it. I bet there is an interesting story there.

Back at the house I retreated to the headset after Maegen's shrill shrieks began to spin me. Almost from the get go I had trouble keeping conversations separate. There were usually 3 to 4 distinct conversations going and anytime and all the sentences were mingling together as they often do when I begin to get overwhelmed. But this trip was meant to be closure for my family so I was determined to be present, alert, seemingly coherent and the last to leave.

I have known Brad was coming since arrived at Jia's, but as own relation is strained (through every fault of my own) I had no idea what his tone was to be and was a bit nervous about this. He was extremely pleasant and seemed both happy and interested.

Sadly I already have only the vaguest memories of the meal itself. Way to much was going on and I think I might have phased out. I must have eaten plenty as I was quite full through the rest of the day. Dinner was followed almost immediately by new Lance touching the pellet stove - which lead to two hours of shrill screaming before Lorne and Lisa took him to the emergency room. Anything that happened during that period is completely lost, but at some point I must have attached the iPod to the headset and turned on Arlo Guthrie (appropriate Thanksgiving fair - but it wasn't Alice's Restaurant.)

During the pie event that followed later (which I abstained from) Jia got a phone call from with I pieced together that Belinda was coming over. A hour or so later three people arrived. I recognized Belinda, and thought one of the others was Jennifer but it seemed like Jennifer would have to be older than this. Luckily she gave me her email and address so I was able to discover it was her without having to ask. We talked about the old times of the Bigelow family reunions and what our ex-gravel pit looked like today and tales like that.

It was a fun cap to a great but exhausting day. Brad and Vera were the last to leave, and by then I was ready to give Jia her wish of having her house back. A series of small delays later and Mom was driving me to the boat. I was very tired but Mom drifted a bit into other lanes occasionally giving me just enough adrenaline infusions to keep me semi-alert. As usual with Mom her amazing travel luck had us driving straight on to the boat with no waiting and a few minutes later the boat left for the island.

A slightly hair-raising drive later I was deposited at my cousin Cindy's, where I basically loaded my stuff into a bedroom and collapsed.

During the previous week word of when I would go to the Island seem to bounce back and forth between Thanksgiving night and Sunday on a daily basis and eventually settled back where it had started. The only problem with this was that not everyone got the same story and Lorne thought that I would be around during the weekend which he had off from work. Between that and the baby accident cutting short his time at Thanksgiving he was rather bummed that he did get time to talk with me. So he came to the Island today. Actually he, Dawn and Uncle Charlie came down last night after I had gone to sleep. Dawn went to my Mother's and Lorne and Uncle Charlie were here at Cindy's when I woke up.

Around 8 Cindy went to work and the rest of us went to breakfast at Linda Jean's. It was surprisingly quiet and the food was great as always.

Afterward we sat around the house until we were hungry again, and then went to Woodland over in Tisbury for the Pilgrim Sandwich I love so much. It seemed a little more commercialized than it used to be.

After recovering for a short time back at the house Charlie went for a nap and Lorne and I went for walk. It was nippy out, but not painfully so. Cindy's house is very close to where I went to Elementary School. This has know become the Library, Town Hall and some Church related building. From there I began to get lost it recollecting and we began to meander. I tried to recreate the path from school to the Circuit Avenue house (which is tough as that route doesn't exist any more) then double back throw the Campgrounds, up passed the Tabernacle to the old Cottage, cross the small path to the alley to main street. I had planned on ducking back into the alley where Papa John's used to be, but instead got lost in remembering Terry Frances' house and the Unitarian Church, then pulled a block over by memory of Louise's house next to the Catholic church. One more block - yes, the tennis courts were just where I remembered them. Could Owen Park really be just one short road away? Yes, just like it seemed like it both had to be and couldn't be. Well now we were much too close to the island within Farm Pond that housed my fortress of solitude as teenager.

There was no longer a plank bridging the gap to the mini-island but we stared at it for a bit. Well it we went a little further away I would be able to point out Dutton's house across the pond. Only where there used to a concrete bulkhead there was now a wooden walkway leading out into the marsh. We set out along it to see if we could get to Dutton's house that way.

It became clear early on that we were heading in the wrong direction but at least we were heading indirectly back toward Cindy's. The walkway became a path in the forest, became a walkway again, became a wisp of path and thickened again. At some point we hit a couple going the other way and I asked them were this came out; the new elementary school. Perfect, from there we could push (what I think of as North) a little bit and cut across Norris ave and be right back where we started.

I had expected my feet to be the week link - especially I only brought my loafers, not my walking shoes - but it was my hip and knees that really began to hurt on that final stretch. Now a few hours later when Lorne is heading for the boat and I type this confused body is really beginning to stiffen up, but it was a long and hopefully memorable walk.

My cousin Dawn came to the island with Lorne, but spent a day with my mother doing genealogy before I saw her. She arrived at Cindy's mid morning and we talked for a few hours. She should me some of her art, which was peaceful pictures done with what to me were angry colors. It was an interesting effect. There were a couple pieces I would have liked to have had but I am in the process of divesting myself of possessions so that seemed silly.

After that she did some massage. I don't know if it helped physically - my body doesn't respond well to new agey massage as it has actual problems - but mentally, well I don't get touched nearly enough. Soon after she had to catch the boat. She forgot her massage book, which my mother later took to mail to her.

My mother picked me up early and we were going to go to the Art Cliff Diner for breakfast but it was closed. Being practically at five corners (still no traffic light) we swung down to the water by the Black Dog. There we noticed the Black Dog itself appeared almost empty so we went in. I haven't been here in ages. This place has a lot of history for me - from many good meals to being humbled in chess during high school. I don't remember what I had but i remember it being fantastic. The quiet atmosphere, and gorgeous view of the beach and harbor are also not wasted on me.

We spend the rest of the day at her house. I repair minor problems with her computer and we talk a lot. I don't know if anyone truly grasps why I am going to Thailand. I know it baffles most, hurts my sister, but my mother is closer to my situation than most. I do my best to explain it to her. I don't remember what I said, but I figure one the more important things I can do here is try to get understood on this.

Why I am going to Thailand

There are several components to this. It think the most confusing to family and friends is my why I'm not feeling the urge to try and soend as much time with them as possible. After all TV teaches us constantly that that is what we are supposed to want when dying.

Not moving back home:

Hopefully that gets the idea across in a palatable form and smoothes a few feathers.

Unlike my time at Jia's my Island visit is one of gluttony. Almost every morning is eaten out. Huge meals. Great quality. I don't know if it because this is the food I grew up, but Northern food is just so much better than Florida food. This morning I go out to eat with mom. Linda Jeans; My third outing here. I love there food, even if the server (same one each time) has an odd lack of personally and the service is lackluster. By getting there early the din is low and I don't need my headset much of the time.

I had wanted to Cindy out for breakfast again as I have been staying at her house all week, but our schedules don't line up, so I buy her a gift certificate.

I spend the rest of the day mom's until we are all talked out. Unfortunately, like most things audible the details fade fast. The happy tone is retained but not the conversations themselves.

Over the course of the week it formed up that the people I want to see are all only available today.

Annie arrives around 8:30. My feelings for her have always been a childish thing. She makes me feel like a smitten school kid. It was never a workable adult love but an overpowering strange attraction. I had hoped that some of that would over take me. That I would feel: something. And while I felt kindness and friendship my damaged brain could muster nothing else.

We went for coffee and bagel at a basement hangout on lower Circuit Ave. I remember not a single word we spoke.

Next to arrive was Andrue a little after 11am. Continuing on the gluttony tour we go to the Black Dog for lunch. Turns out he, Sarah and the kids are taking the same boat Sunday morning that I am. We discuss old times and what its like to be us.

The Duttons (Bob Dutton's parents) arrive around 4pm at Cindy's and we sit and talk for a few hours. It is funny to me how thankful they are that I befriended Bob in high school. To me it is much the other way around.

Thai Visas for American Citizens